When you leave writing and blogging for a long time, it is hard to pick it up again. So much time has passed, and so many little things have happened. Many feelings felt, and many thoughts gone through the mind.
Truth is, the new year and my new workless life has been very challenging to get to grips with. After a lovely family Christmas up north, I just dug myself a big mental dark hole, and sat in it most of January and February. All sewing and creativity ground to a halt, it just gave me a guilty consciense. I couldn't possibly spend my time sewing, tatting or knitting, when I knew I should be out there getting myself a new job.
But what really happened, was me getting absolutely paralyzed. I scoured employement ads, just to find I wasn't qualified for anything. I got so depressed, that just the thought of my situation and what I should do with myself brought on the tears. Applying for jobs, getting "out there", and selling myself as this positive energetic working individual just felt like a herculean task. Sobbing red-eyed middle aged women are NOT what people are looking for, but I just couldn't help myself. I just got more isolated and down by the day. I just didn't believe in being able to do it.
I am not a particularly sociable person on the best of days, but when I am down in the dumps I shy away from people like the plague. I know this isn't good for me, but I just feel the need to spare my surroundings the gloom. It's funny, but sometimes when I am with others it just makes me feel more alone. Sometimes, I find it hard to keep my emotions under control, and that also contributes to the urge to keep away from people. I just don't want to cry for no reason in front of anyone. You sort of need to at least SEEM on top and in control.
I am old enough now to know this is not healthy. And while I might need to have some space and time away from everything, it just can't go on. I feel more comfortable in the "shell" as time passes, more happy with not seeing or talking to anyone, and that is the sign that it is wrong. It is dangerous.
There has been some internal debate on whether or not I should put this up on the blog. This is supposed to be a place of positivity and creativity, and frankly; who would be interested in reading about other peoples problems? But blogging is also about sharing experiences. Some time ago, there were various posts being put up about not being perfect, but still keep on living, and I found those good and very helpful. Lauren, from Wearing History wrote perfectly in this post.
There is also another reason to write about this, and that for me is closure, or a way to get things out of the system. I know that once this is up on the blog, the post will have its publishing date, and will move down the timeline as new posts follow. It will, in effect, be a thing of the past, and I will move forward. And I really need to start moving forward now.
So sad to read that you're not feeling well lately. But things will get better!! I have had a very dark period myself and thought it wouldn't end. I couldn't do anything like meeting friends, sewing, knitting, hiking (all the things I love to do). After changing things drastically and after getting (professional) help I was able to get things on track again.
ReplyDeleteMy story is not your story, but you will get over this! I'm convinced about that.
Good luck and hopefully you wil feel better soon!
Thank you Anthea, for your encouraging words. I was very sad to see you struggle last year, and I am so glad to see you've bounced back with style :) It only goes to show, things will be better.
DeleteMy favourite quote/philosophy in times when things seem too much to bear is "This too shall pass". I think it's brave of you to share this with us, and not least important. In my experience talking and writing about things makes them less scary and easier to get to grips with, and in a time when the pressure on women to excel in their jobs/ careers , dating, homelife, kids, and whatnot while looking fit and flawless it helps to know that we're not alone in finding things hard. To me it sounds as if you're approaching the exit point of the depression. Seeing the need to act and taking action is the first steps, please pat yourself on the back from me :) And remember, if you need to vent you can always drop me a line.
ReplyDeleteThank you Suna, for your wonderful support. I actually feel a bit better already. I agree, that there is a lot of pressure, but sometimes the toughest pressure comes from myself. I am only too eager to put myself down, it is almost like having a split personality. I am angry with myself for being weak, and disappointed for not handling things better. But I think I need to stop all that, and figure out how to be stronger and feel better. I hope you are right, that I have reached the exit point. Life is so good when I'm happy, so if I can find back to that all will be good. Yes, this too shall pass ;)
DeleteAh, I feel so bad for you reading this! I went through the same thing when we moved about 4 years ago and I didn't have a job to go to. I felt useless and also had my daughter in daycare 3 days a week anticipating work, so I had a lot of mother guilt. The first couple of months for me was okay as I threw myself into some big DIY and gardening projects. Then I finished them off but I felt guilty spending my time sewing and I didn't want to go out and do things as it seemed to be spending money we didn't have. I withdrew too - I didn't even want to see anyone when I did the daycare drop offs and pick ups, with a pretend smile plastered on my face. After a few months I decided to pay for a gym membership even though it seemed a luxury we couldn't afford, I didn't feel so guilty about that as I decided it was positive for my health, but I think it was positive for my mind too. Anyway I just wanted to let you know that I've had these times too and I hope they are soon over for you. Have you been able to keep up yoga?
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing :) It really is a hard thing, not having a job suddenly. It is such a big part of ones identity, and feeling useless is the worst. It really has put a big dent in my self esteem, and even though loosing my job had nothing to do with me, I am ashamed to not having a job.
DeleteI think a gym membership, or some other physical activity is really important if one has mental struggles. It gives a sense of mastering something, and of course there is the health benefit. Sadly I dropped off the yoga-wagon, but I feel the need to pick it up again. That said, I have been running quite a lot lately, but miss the mental healing that comes with yoga. One of these days, I will roll out my mat ;)
I'm sorry you feel so crappy right now :( I struggle with anxiety, depression, and social avoidance myself. There are up days and down days. I hope you can start doing more of the things you enjoy - it will help you feel better. I agree with the "this too shall pass" statement. I've tried to remember that in my darkest hours. :) Each day is a new one. I hope you start to feel more like yourself soon!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Kristin. I feel a huge step has been taken in writing these posts, and getting on with my life again. It still is hard, and I still don't know what to do with myself, but I think it is a process I needd to go through. A mourning thing, almost. I hope I will soon bounce back, all of your kind comments helps me a lot:)
DeleteThank you for sharing. It is not easy to be able to speak about these feelings of sadness and hopelessness without the fear of being judged. Especially when it comes to admitting that sometimes you just need to feel out your own emotions in isolation. You are not alone. Thank you for the thoughts <3
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear this. I have been MIA recently because I have been feeling blah and my anxiety has been going nonstop. I wish I had a magic wand to make you feel better. I will be thinking of you. Take it one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to read about your situation, and so sorry that is so late. Nonetheless, I think it's a good thing to write (and read) about it. We're not always as perfect as it seems, we all are humans with your own small or big problems, our ups and downs. Writing about it can help. And learning that you're not alone and certainly not weird for having all those feelings is a wonderful experience.
ReplyDeleteIn our times, we all have to be funny and active and positive. But life is different. I didn't lose my job, but my husband did, and it was a bad time. And I know, once the kids are bigger and I will have to go back in the real world and find a job, I will probably feel just the same like you. I'm not very sociable where I'm living (I'm a weirdo for the others), so I keep to my self and the family.
Being crafty can help, as you can do something that is good for your soul. It is proof of your skills, gives you confidence, and making something beautiful is maybe the best medicine. OK, I know all too well that getting crafty sometimes is not that easy when you're sitting in that dark hole, but once you made it and finished a project, it is very motivating.
I couldn't sew for a very long time for personal reasons, and I missed it, I also felt guilty for not spending my rare spare time better. But now spring is back, and doing some work in the garden is great. (What makes me even more weird to the others, as I'm the strangely dressed weirdo that's working all the time in the garden...haha.) And guess what? I finished 3 projects in 2 weeks.
Take your time to get back to "normal", whatever "normal" it may be. Wishing you all the best for your personal situation and for a new job.