When you leave writing and blogging for a long time, it is hard to pick it up again. So much time has passed, and so many little things have happened. Many feelings felt, and many thoughts gone through the mind.
Truth is, the new year and my new workless life has been very challenging to get to grips with. After a lovely family Christmas up north, I just dug myself a big mental dark hole, and sat in it most of January and February. All sewing and creativity ground to a halt, it just gave me a guilty consciense. I couldn't possibly spend my time sewing, tatting or knitting, when I knew I should be out there getting myself a new job.
But what really happened, was me getting absolutely paralyzed. I scoured employement ads, just to find I wasn't qualified for anything. I got so depressed, that just the thought of my situation and what I should do with myself brought on the tears. Applying for jobs, getting "out there", and selling myself as this positive energetic working individual just felt like a herculean task. Sobbing red-eyed middle aged women are NOT what people are looking for, but I just couldn't help myself. I just got more isolated and down by the day. I just didn't believe in being able to do it.
I am not a particularly sociable person on the best of days, but when I am down in the dumps I shy away from people like the plague. I know this isn't good for me, but I just feel the need to spare my surroundings the gloom. It's funny, but sometimes when I am with others it just makes me feel more alone. Sometimes, I find it hard to keep my emotions under control, and that also contributes to the urge to keep away from people. I just don't want to cry for no reason in front of anyone. You sort of need to at least SEEM on top and in control.
I am old enough now to know this is not healthy. And while I might need to have some space and time away from everything, it just can't go on. I feel more comfortable in the "shell" as time passes, more happy with not seeing or talking to anyone, and that is the sign that it is wrong. It is dangerous.
There has been some internal debate on whether or not I should put this up on the blog. This is supposed to be a place of positivity and creativity, and frankly; who would be interested in reading about other peoples problems? But blogging is also about sharing experiences. Some time ago, there were various posts being put up about not being perfect, but still keep on living, and I found those good and very helpful. Lauren, from Wearing History wrote perfectly in this post.
There is also another reason to write about this, and that for me is closure, or a way to get things out of the system. I know that once this is up on the blog, the post will have its publishing date, and will move down the timeline as new posts follow. It will, in effect, be a thing of the past, and I will move forward. And I really need to start moving forward now.
